Successful Mothering Conference
Dr. Paula Fellingham
www.theWINonline.com
How to Be a Joyful, Confident, Influential Mother
Marianne Williamson: “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children. do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we give other people permission to do the same.”
George Bernard Shaw: “This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being a true force of Nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy… I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
There is no greater joy than motherhood! My seven children are almost all grown now – 12 grandchildren… I’ve known deep heartache and death – and boundless joy – life is a wonderful journey! We’re so very blessed.
I would like to suggest four ingredients that give women deep, lasting feelings of self-worth and a strong, peaceful calm to help them be joyful, confident and powerfully influential mothers. The four ingredients are:
o Self-knowledge
o Self-approval
o Self-commitment
o Self-fulfillment
Self-knowledge
The story is told of an Indian farmer named Ali Hafid …
One day a traveling monk came to Hafid and told him about a marvelous discovery recently made of a jewel called a diamond.
The story so caught the imagination of Ali Hafid that he sold his farm and house and left his wife and family to search for diamonds. He traveled far and wide searching, but never found the precious stones. Finally, broken in body and spirit, having exhausted his funds in his fruitless search, he cast himself into the sea, and drowned.
About that time the monk came through the village again and stopped at the farm formerly owned by Hafid. There on the mantel he saw a lovely diamond.
“I see Ali found his diamond,” he said, pointing to the stone.
“Oh, Ali sold me his farm,” said the new owner, “and that stone is just a pretty rock I found down in the streambed as I watered my sheep.”
“Show me the place,” said the monk, and the man led him to the stream.
There, in the gravel bottom of the streambed, they found one diamond after another. A further search showed the whole farm contained diamonds, even in the dirt floor in the cellar of the house. The story claims that thus the rich Golconda diamond field was discovered. There beneath his very feet was the fortune for which Ali Hafid gave his life in a fruitless search.
The lesson?
The greatest treasure you’ll ever find lies within you. Don’t fall into the trap of neglecting to discover that life’s greatest prize is within.
Self-knowledge grows out of contemplation, prayer, questioning yourself, and welcoming feedback from others.
Take time to contemplate - get to know yourself by introspection.
Central park is the heart of New York City. Outside of the park – noisy taxis – busy subway - dazzling lights of Broadway – within the bounds of Central Park is quiet serenity, where life appears in slow motion compared to the events outside its bounds.
Bernard M. Baruch was called the “Park Bench Statesman.” He became an office boy at nineteen, a Wall Street partner at twenty-five, and a millionaire at thirty-five. He served as a close adviser to five United States presidents.
Bernard Baruch developed the ability to get away from the downtown din, sitting on a quiet park bench, and thinking about himself, other people, and the world.
He once wrote if there was a “key” to his success, it was in his ability to appraise himself. He said that as he became better acquainted with himself he acquired a better understanding of others.
All of us in these hurrying times need to pause for “park bench” mediation, to evaluate out lives, count our blessings, ponder about those who bring blessings our way, determine how we can best serve others, and to visualize becoming our ideal selves.
We all need a personal Central Park. “Know thyself” is an age-old maxim.
Part of knowing yourself is knowing when it’s time to make changes in your life. Creating positive change begins with knowing how to control your thoughts. Why do you want to control your thoughts? Because every word and action begins with a thought. Our thoughts determine our character, our choices, and the direction of our lives.
You have a myriad of choices every moment…your mind will take you wherever you wish. The first and most important thing you need to understand is that you have a myriad of choices every moment…your mind will take you wherever you wish. The very first and most important thing you need to understand is your role in creating the results that are your life.
Admittedly, many people are weighed down with challenges that are absolutely no fault of their own. Children are abused, parents divorce, bad things happen to good people. But right now, as adults, we have choices regarding how we deal with our past and present circumstances. We can either point fingers, blame, withdraw, resent, or we can turn our faces to the future and focus on solutions. We can allow ourselves to be pulled backwards, or we can “take the best and discard the rest” from past experiences, and move forward. The choice is yours.
The Principle of CHOICE Makes Change Possible
I remember the very moment it happened…I was sitting on the front row of a seminar when the speaker quoted Eleanor Roosevelt. That great lady said, “No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.” I remember thinking, Wow! That means that we allow people to offend us...we allow people to make us angry. Our reaction to people and our circumstances is our choice! And then my mind took it a step further and I thought, That means that if we can allow people to make us angry, we can refuse to be offended, or angry…
Time actually seemed to stand still as I pondered, then understood, this incredible concept: We can respond to others and to our circumstances however we choose. And I realized that the time had come to take control of my life.
Soon afterwards I learned about Victor Frankl. Let me take you to the place where he learned this same priceless lesson:
The year is 1945...you are in Auschwitz, Germany imprisoned in a concentration camp whose horror defies description.
Your entire family has been killed. You’re a Jewish psychiatrist named Viktor Frankl. The guards have stripped you, beaten you, starved you and deprived you of sleep. And yet, you live on....determined to somehow create meaning out of this horror.
As you are experiencing this hell on earth you come to an incredible understanding: the guards can torture you, but you have the power to respond to them however you CHOOSE. They can beat you, but they can’t take away your will to live. They can strip you, but you can clothe yourself with mental power beyond their reach. They can starve you, but you can feast on your dreams of the future.
You see, Victor Frankl imagined himself at a university pulpit, teaching the future generation about the ultimate freedom - the freedom to choose how you respond to life. He was passionate about living to tell his story so that never again would a human being be allowed to cause such suffering as he had endured.
Those prison guards couldn’t make Victor Frankl angry or discouraged. Think how our lives would change if we truly understood and applied this concept! We would no longer blame others. We wouldn’t say, “You make me angry!” because we’d understand that no one MAKES us angry; we can choose to be in control of our emotions. We wouldn’t blame people, our circumstances, the weather, etc. for anything. We wouldn’t say, “I can’t get up that early...I’m just not a morning person” because we’re any kind of a person we choose to be!
This is an incredibly important principle. This means that you and you alone own your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. Is this difficult? Yes, because it’s easier when you can point to someone else while you’re saying, “It’s not my fault...he made me do it!” It’s my parent’s/husband’s/boss’s fault!” (Flip Wilson, years ago said, “The devil made me do it!”)
Let’s talk about Marlene – she didn’t get it.
Marlene was furious at David, her husband. It was 7:30 at night and he still wasn’t home. She had made a lovely dinner and had prepared his favorite dessert. Marlene and both children had waited until 7:00 o’clock, but they finally gave up and ate without him. With each passing minute Marlene became more angry. She complained to the children about their father’s irresponsibility, and after dinner she impatiently paced the floor. When David finally arrived, Marlene exploded with a flood of accusations and belittling remarks.
Was Marlene’s behavior justified? Maybe David had promised to be home at 6:00 pm and this was the fourteenth time he was late. Maybe it was the first time - that doesn’t matter. The question is, should David’s behavior determine Marlene’s reaction?
If Marlene understood that we are responsible for our emotions, regardless of the words or actions of others… perhaps she would have taught her children a far different lesson that night. This is how the evening should have been:
Marlene thought, Darn...David is late again. I wonder what happened. I hope this dessert will taste as good when he gets home. “Well, kids,” she remarked cheerfully, “It looks like Dad won’t be here for dinner, but look how delicious this looks....hop up to the table and let’s eat.” Instead of focusing on David and the possible reasons for why he wasn’t there, Marlene focused on the children. She asked each one about what they learned at school that day, she shared her experiences of the day, and she genuinely enjoyed the meal. After dinner Marlene read stories to the kids.
Does understanding this principle mean that we never get upset when things go wrong? Of course not. The difference is that we don’t blame others for our reactions. We learn how to control our emotions and we wait until an appropriate time to discuss the problem. And when the time does comes to talk about it we communicate in a way that doesn’t create more problems.
As you listened to that example, you may have thought, You don’t understand! I have some real challenges in my life. And there are genuine toxic personalities I have to deal with on a daily basis! It’s really NOT my fault that my life is the way it is.”
Okay, let’s go there. First let me console you by saying that it is at the very core of human nature to blame other people. It’s like survival of the fittest - self-preservation - to try to escape accountability. You don’t want to be responsible, because if you are....you’re accountable.
It’s far more difficult to accept accountability for your life. But once you “get it” and grab hold - taking control and the responsibility for the results in your life - you’ll begin to achieve as you’ve never achieved before.
Let’s talk about our self-beliefs.
We each carry with us mental pictures of ourselves; our self beliefs. These beliefs may be unclear to our conscious mind, but they are there, down to the last detail. They’re our ideas about who we are, formed from past experiences, successes and failures, embarrassing moments, and the way people have treated us, especially during childhood. From all these experiences we mentally create a picture of ourselves. Once a belief goes into this picture it becomes fact to us and we don’t question its validity, but act upon it as if it were true.
Your self beliefs form the foundation for your personality and your behavior. Therefore, these self beliefs are the key to change because your actions are always consistent with your beliefs and your beliefs can be changed.
Because this is true, when we believe we’re successful we usually are – when we believe we’ll fail we find ways to validate that belief.
How about the child who’s told she’s no good in math? Parents say things like, “None of our family is good in math. We just don’t understand it!” Other parents make similar comments about music or athletics.
Did anyone ever tell you that you weren’t a good singer, or that you were clumsy? Most adults can easily remember stinging comments like these.
If you ever heard a negative comment about your abilities when you were growing up, raise your hand.
Children who hear such remarks, day after day, soon come to believe them. They create self-talk that’s negative.“I’m just no good in math...none of my family is.” Or, “I could never make the team, so I just won’t try out.” Or, “Since I can’t sing, I shouldn’t take chorus and I’d make a fool of myself if I tried out for the school musical.” Then, sure enough, they don’t excel in those areas, but they don’t ever think that the trouble may lie in their core beliefs about themselves – and those beliefs could be wrong!
And the saddest fact is - we sometimes carry these negative beliefs throughout our lives! We develop limiting beliefs about who we are and what we’re capable of from our earliest years and based on past failures, we believe we’ll fail in the future. But the wonderful news is - the past doesn’t equal the future!
Experiments have shown that once the concept of self is changed, other things consistent with the new concept of self are accomplished easily and without strain.
The key is you. You must:
Believe you can change and want to change your negative self-beliefs
Identify the beliefs you need to alter
Learn and use key skills
We’re going to go straight to learning a key skill. This may be the most important thing you learn today. I’ll teach you how to control your thoughts.
There are three steps -
LABEL your negative thoughts the moment they enter your mind.
• “That was negative.”
• “That was unkind.” (critical)
• “That wasn’t like me…I usually don’t think negative thoughts.”
REPLACE them. This is best done by trying to ‘be’ the person you’re thinking about, with his life experiences, needs and desires. This requires you to put yourself in the other person’s position and consider why he’s speaking or acting as he is.
• “I can understand why she’s doing that...it’s because she...”
• “If I understood her better, I’d probably like her more. I’ll get to know her.”
• “Hey - different strokes for different folks!”
FOCUS FORWARD - Focus your thinking forward like this:
• “I usually don’t think unkind thoughts like that. I’ll do better next time.”
• “I might not have all the facts. I’ll learn more and then it’ll probably make sense.”
(And for all adults who regret their past actions…)
• “I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time. Now I have more information, and I’ll do better in the future.”
The steps to change negative self-beliefs aren’t difficult but as with all things worth doing, it requires effort. And yet – don’t let yourself become discouraged if changing your thought patterns is hard. Your previous ways of thinking are habits, and it takes about three to six weeks to break a habit.
I’d like you to help me illustrate this. Will everyone please fold your arms? Now unfold them and fold them again the opposite way. HABIT is so powerful.
It comes back to the question, “How badly do I really want to change?” That reminds me of a well-known story about Socrates.
I’d like to submit that when our desire for change is great enough, we’ll make the effort to control our thoughts and direct them in positive ways.
Please know this, before we move on: You inner world reflects and creates your outer world. Whatever you believe you will manifest. If you believe you aren’t good enough, or you don’t have enough in your life, you’ll validate that belief and create the reality that you aren’t good enough and you don’t have enough.
And you’ll teach this through your example, words, tone of voice, posture, actions – to your children – every hour of every day – and they will become like you.
On the other hand, if you believe you ARE enough – and you are – you’ll validate that belief and create joy and abundance in your life and in the lives of your children. Every hour of every day – and they will become like you.
And you might say, “But Paula – I’m not a naturally happy person! I don’t wake up singing!”
And to that I’d like to let you know that recent research tells us that 50% of our “happiness level” is inherited. But the other 50% is totally up to you.
You can create your own happiness! Abraham Lincoln said, “Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
An experiment conducted at Stanford University by S. Lyubomirsky, in 1994, concluded that: Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people, one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook.
How can we focus on the positive? Exactly how do we create joy and confidence?
8 Ways to Create Joy and Confidence
1. Think gratitude. Instead of looking at what you don’t have, pay attention to what you have and to the good things about your life.
Dale Carnegie remarked, “Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what we have or who we are, or what we are doing that makes us happy or unhappy. It’s what we think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing, and yet one may be miserable and the other happy. Why? Because of a different mental attitude.”
Story of woman at NATO Headquarters, Malia, West Africa
2. Offer love and kindness – be others-centered.
Mother Teresa said, “Spread love wherever you go. First of all in your own home. Give love to your husband, your wife, your children, your next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness. Kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”
3. Be flexible and cheerful. Our ability to adapt well and be cheerful is an indicator of our strength of character.
Dr. Charles Garfield story.
4. Be passionate about something. Schedule time for things we love doing - you can give love better from your overflow – so fill your cup!
5. Use Positive Self-talk and Healthy Self-fulfilling Prophecies
Instead of negative self-talk:
“I’m so stupid!”
“I’m such a lousy mom”
“I’ll never understand this computer!”
Say:
“This isn’t what I’m best at, but I’ll keep trying and get better!”
“Each day I’m more patient and loving.”
“I’m clever enough to figure this out!”
“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”
Another thing we can do to create joy and confidence is to:
6. Ignore your negative thoughts
We all have thousands of thoughts each day. Some are going to be positive and productive, and others will be worrisome, fearful, covetous, etc. The question isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts – we all do - it’s what you choose to do with the ones you have.
You really only have two choices. You can either worry about them, analyze them, think more and more about them, or you can dismiss them; let them go! When you have a thought – that’s all it is…just a thought. It can’t hurt you without your permission.
Think of your negative thought as a match which has just been lit. You can either blow it out immediately and stay healthy, or you can create a mental snowball and let it burn, hurt and scar you.
The choice is yours.
7. Eliminate negative expressions
Eliminate all negative expressions, no matter how benign they may seem because our subconscious minds take it all in – and anything negative becomes part of who we are. So get rid of little negatives that weaken you.
“I’ll never get through this – there’s so much to do!”
“If I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”
Yep – I knew it! Just when things were starting to go well, this had to happen.”
Another key is to
8. Stop asking yourself bad questions and start asking good ones. Instead of:
“Why does this always happen to me?”
“Why can’t I ever remember names?”
“Why don’t they like me?”
Ask yourself:
“What could I do to make myself feel happier right now?”
“What can I learn from this that will make me a better person?”
“Who can I help today?”
By improving the words you consistently use you can immediately improve the quality of your thoughts, your emotions and your life.
Let’s talk about 6 ways to increase your influence with your family and everyone in your life’s circle:
1. RESPECT YOURSELF
A. Expect to be respected
Your beliefs about who you are and who you can be
always determine who you will be.
Dale Carnegie: “Believe that you will succeed. Believe it firmly, and you will then do what is necessary to bring success about.”
Believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are of great value.... that your contributions are of indispensable worth.
B. Care for yourself/look your best/dress for success
We all respect ourselves more when we take care of ourselves physically. Do whatever is necessary to look your best. Wear nice-fitting clothes that help you feel your best.
C. Radiate good feelings of self-worth/use uplifting self-talk
Does your body (facial expression/posture) send a message that you feel good about yourself....that you have great value?
Improving your body language is one of the easiest ways to improve your image and your influence.
Self-talk: How we talk to ourselves in our minds.
Saying things like, “I’m so stupid!” is counterproductive to wanting people to respect you. Instead, say, “That wasn’t like me - I usually don’t make mistakes like that!”
Don’t say, “I’m terrible at spelling - or typing.” Say, “You know, spelling isn’t what I’m best at, but I’m getting better all the time.”
Don’t ever put yourself down.
D. Recognize your value/allow others to recognize your value
For example, when your boss, or a co-worker says, “Good job!” Don’t say, “It was nothing.....” Don’t point out your mistakes, or how long it took you. Accept the compliment graciously and say, “Thanks! I think it turned out pretty well, too.”
At home, teach your children to appreciate what they do for you. From when they’re tiny, you can say (as you give them a sandwich), “Thanks! Thanks for being a great Mom!” Point out your efforts....teach them gratitude.
2. RESPECT OTHERS
A. Acknowledge, praise the strengths, talents, skills of others
Everyone loves to be appreciated. Everyone loves to have their talents and skills recognized.
B. Be a loving, trustworthy confidant
Perhaps no single thing is more devastating to a relationship than breaking a trust - sharing confidential information. This will ruin your reputation at work, and devastate relationships at home.
Dorothy Nevill said, “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave UNSAID the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
C. Respect those who come to you with questions/kindness is a key
3. BE COMPETENT
I could have started with this, because your influence is incredibly minimized if you’re incompetent. You must consistently do quality work. A foundational piece:
A. Be organized and in control of your life
Have “to do” lists each day, at work, at home.
If you feel out of control, eliminate things in your life. Look at your life like the man who has an orchard of fruit trees. He prunes each year to produce better trees. This has to be done at work and at home. We can’t do it all....so choose what’s most important to you and say “no” to things which will keep you from reaching your goals.
B. Keep improving your skills/take advantage of training opportunities every chance you get.
C. Ask questions/learn from mentors
Learn from people who are already successful in your field. It will shorten your learning curve.
4. DEVELOP GREAT LISTENING SKILLS
A. Show you’re listening
Be interested - concentrate on their words
Never interrupt
Watch body language
Actively listen
Respond kindly - in a way that will help
B. Show you’ve listened and understood. If you can give your boss - or your teenagers - good ideas, based on their discussions with you, your influence will go through the ceiling. And you’ll be heard when you speak.
5. COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY
Good, positive communication is understanding AND being understood. Trying to understand BEFORE being understood means that we’re more interested in others than in ourselves. It means we really want to communicate, not just tell how we feel.
We can understand people in three ways:
Be that person
Watch their body language
Listen carefully
Communication Skills: TOV/neg vs. pos/eliminate criticism, sarcasm/“I” messages/no absolutes
Negative vs Positive
“You always/never...” “I’ve noticed that sometimes you..”
“I can’t do that!” “I’m having trouble with this. I’ll try it another way...”
“You never agree with me.” “Usually we agree on things. How about looking at it this way?”
“I’m a terrible typist!” “Typing isn’t what I’m best at, but I’m getting faster and better!”
Do you look through mirrors or windows? The way you talk answers this question. Benefits of good communication: People like you/People listen to you/People learn from you.
6. LIVE THE VALUES YOU BELIEVE
Napoleon Hill: “No man can afford to express, through words or acts, that which is not in harmony with his own beliefs, and if he does so, he must pay by the loss of his influence.”
A. Live what you believe = increased influence
People who LIVE kindness, honesty, cheerfulness, integrity... are a powerful influence for good. They are heard and respected.
B. Take responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions
C. Radiate kindness/cheerfulness/generosity/integrity/long-suffering
This is a wonderful place to share a piece written by Kent Keith – it hung in Mother Teresa’s office in Calcutta:
People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It never was between you and them anyway.
Let’s talk about the next ingredient that gives women deep, lasting feelings of self-worth and a strong, peaceful calm to help them live lives of joy, confidence and influence.
Self Approval
We can’t expect others to love us more than we love ourselves. Self-dislike blocks growth. On the other hand, humbly approving of yourself strengthens your relationships, increases your productivity, and affects every part of your world.
Your level of self-approval paints itself on your face, colors your voice, and programs your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.
Much of the problem with poor self-approval today can be connected to the mass media. We are bombarded by pictures of beautiful, perfect, skinny women. Thanks to lot of pure fantasy, and some feminist propaganda, today’s woman is shown as gorgeous, exuding self-confidence, always young, never ill, doesn’t make mistakes or appear foolish, never loses her cool, and of course, never gains a pound. She is always provocative and sensuous and perfectly put together.
That woman is an absolute, total myth! If we compare ourselves to that kind of woman, naturally our self-approval will suffer.
Those who break free of this distorted image of woman and see their unique gifts clearly, will be happier and have higher self-approval ratings.
I know beautiful, talented women with very low self-esteem – low levels of self-approval. On the other hand, I know women who are plain – by the standards of men – whose self-approval is high … they are positive and upbeat about their abilities.
What makes the difference? I’d like to suggest that mental strength, self-talk, and focus are the keys.
Let’s talk about our mental strength as it relates to self-approval.
Patricia Holland once gave BYU students some wise counsel from which we can all learn. Pat remarked:
“The battle many of you wage on an interior front concerns me. Many of us create a civil war within ourselves by internalizing problems of fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, and worry - often over things we can do preciously little about. If we spend our time and energy worrying about being too tall or too short or about our freckles and warts and big noses, then I fear we’re doomed to certain defeat. The person who is engaged in such a constant internal fight has little energy and power left to win the outside battles. You can’t afford to be your own worst enemy.
And taking the battles inside - firing mortar shells into your very soul - is potentially one of the most damaging of all human activities. You can recover from poor grades or a missed date, but if you turn such outside matters into self-criticism, letting them damage your spirit and your self-worth and esteem, then you’ve begun a battle with a very high mortality rate indeed.”
An interior battle….good food for thought.
Story: Hindu master
Lesson: Be a lake.
People ask me, “How can I refuse to allow negative circumstances and other people’s negative behavior pull me down?
Unfortunately, there are people – sometimes co-workers, sometimes family members – who make life more difficult than it needs to be. I call them “human porcupines”. They have toxic personalities and they:
1. Are critical, judgmental
2. Have high, unrealistic expectations; perfectionists
3. Manipulate others by guilt, ridicule
4. Are easily offended
5. Send the message to others that, “I am unhappy. If you would do this ‘certain thing’ or behave in this ‘certain way’ then I won’t be unhappy.”
How do you unplug the power of the difficult-to-love people in your life?
Three things you can do:
1. Let go of the expectation to please them. It isn’t possible to change toxic people, they can only change themselves. Your primary goal should be to develop a healthy self-concept and become your best self. Focus on that – not on the toxic one.
2. Assert your right to be treated with respect. Say: “I won’t tolerate disrespect. If you can talk to me kindly, I’ll listen. Otherwise, write down your concerns and I’ll read them…or we’ll wait until you’re in control. Until then I’m leaving the room…I’ll return when I’m ready.”
It is very important to excuse yourself the moment the behavior becomes unacceptable to you. This is one way you can teach toxic people that you will not be controlled or manipulated.
3. Decide what is “enough” to give to the relationship…and explain it clearly. This includes how much time, money, and energy you’re willing to give. It won’t be enough for the toxic person, but it doesn’t matter. It’ll be enough for you. Living with your definition of “enough” is a key to coping with the unreasonable demands of toxic people.
Examples of how to deal with toxic personalities:
-Hold my hand…
-Rub my back…
-Rewards for criticism
Identify everything in your life that keeps you from moving forward. Once you label those limiting behaviors you can do whatever is necessary to eliminate them.
Did someone hurt your feelings? Forgive them and forget it. Move on.
Did someone punish you unfairly? It’s over. Go forward.
Are you angry at someone? Anger is debilitating. It depletes energy that could be used to improve your life. Anger only hurts you, so let go of it.
Are you revengeful? Revenge is the first cousin of anger. It robs you of strength. The person who has injured you has probably gone on with life; so should you. Don’t give them power to hurt you further.
How about sadness? This is more crippling than anger because it saps your will to go on. Time heals sadness, but if it lingers too long, consciously release it. Seek things that make you laugh and feel good. Realize that feeling sad won’t change anything.
Resentful? Life is not always fair. If you resent someone, stop - and get back into life’s great adventure.
Guilt is another emotion that stands between you and your dreams. All of us have done things we regret…things we’d do differently. Many of us carry guilt like a weight around our necks. Decide today to cut the chains of guilt and say, “I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time. I have more information now, and I’ll do better in the future.” FOCUS FORWARD and guilt will disappear!
How about accepting compliments? This is another indication of weak or strong self-approval.
Why are we uncomfortable accepting compliments? One of the most common reasons is that we genuinely believe that we are not deserving of the compliment.
For example, if you have finished a painting but it has a few flaws, you may be tempted to point out those flaws when someone compliments you on the painting. Resist the temptation, smile and thank the person instead. Say something like, “Thanks - this painting took a long time and I did hope it would turn out nicely.”
If someone tells you that your dress is nice, don’t say “Oh this? It’s so old!” Instead, say, “Thank you. I like it too.”
Once you’ve done this a few times, you could then add a line of appreciation such as, “When I first bought this I wasn’t sure if I made the right choice, so your compliment makes me feel much better. Thanks!”
And how about self-talk? You know – that little voice in your head.
Instead of: “I always forget at least one thing at the store!”
Say: “It’s not like me to forget things …. Next time I’ll remember my list!”
Instead of: “I’ll never look as good as her!”
Say, “She looks great – and I’m happy with who I am!”
Instead of: “I’m a lousy mom – I always lose my temper!”
Say, “Each day I’m becoming more patient and loving.”
Remember, our beliefs create our experience. What we believe becomes our reality.
Before we move on, I’ll share the story of a woman who had a wonderful attitude right up to her last breath.
The Fork
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
The woman explained, "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork....the best is yet to come."
Self Commitment
I’m suggesting you commit to self-kindness; self-appreciation…to filling your cup…every day.
What do you do when you commit to helping others? You spend time with them, compliment them, try to please them, and show appreciation.
Self-commitment is just like that, but you do those things for yourself. You take the time and make the effort to treat yourself as well as you treat others. And it’s alright. You can give love better from your overflow.
When you have healthy self-commitment you:
Think kind thoughts about yourself
Make time to do things you love
Spend time developing your talents
Appreciate your talents and acknowledge your strengths
Take time to meditate and reflect
Thank God for your gifts
Pray for yourself in addition to praying for others
Look to the future with a joyful heart
Self Fulfillment
What is self fulfillment? I thought long and hard about this.
I believe self fulfillment is a deep, secure knowledge that the path you are walking in life is in harmony with God’s plan for you. This is not to say that you’re perfect – but that the direction you are headed is the right one. You are – each day of your life – trying to make good, noble choices. You are “filling your cup” and giving abundant love to everyone in your life’s circle. And when you leave this mortal existence, you will leave a wonderful legacy.
Our tomorrows are determined by the decisions we make today. And the decisions we make today are affected by our level of self-control.
Self-control is a prerequisite for self-fulfillment.
The last line of the third verse of “America the Beautiful” has an important message for each of us: “Confirm thy soul in self control.”
Self-control reminds me of the time right before a concert begins.
Orchestra members are busy warming up and practicing – the noise level is high – there’s a mass array of sounds sounding from many different instruments.
And then, right before the performance is to begin, the concert-master – always the first violinist – stands up and faces the group. He or she plays one note – a solitary “A” is sounded.
At that signal, the entire orchestra moves their bows and breath and fingers to align with that “A” – and soon they are all playing in unison… on the same note.
In our lives, there is so much noise – so many voices compete for our attention, and we are confused at times. But when we exercise self-control and align our choices with our knowledge of right and wrong, the confusion disappears because we are in alignment with that one single note of truth.
And as you continue to listen and respond, exercising your self-control, that note will resonate even more clearly to your heart – and your every word and action will more easily align with what you know to be right for you and your family.
Listen to the “A” note within you – it is playing your unique song and inviting you to align and sing along.
Nowhere is self-fulfillment better illustrated than by the Giant Bamboo Tree in Asia.The giant bamboo has a particularly hard seed. It’s so hard that to grow you must water and fertilize that seed every day for four years before any portion of it breaks the soil. And then in the fifth year, the tree shows itself. But the remarkable thing is that once it breaks the surface, this bamboo plant grows about four feet a day to a height of ninety feet in less than a month!
And yet, what is the reality in our lives?
We may shoot up tall and strong in one area – but we struggle as we grow one baby step at a time in other areas.
But that’s the beauty of life –we’ve been given different strengths and weaknesses so we will need one another. I believe it’s all part of the Grand Plan to teach us the most important thing we need to learn on this earth – how to truly love God, ourselves, and one another.
And we come full circle as I remind you that loving others begins with loving yourself.
My sweet friends, your talents are many and your contributions are unique. Only you can do the work you’re doing in the way you do it best.
You were born for such a time as this – the world needs strong women like you.
I’d like you to use the ingredients of self-knowledge, self-approval, self-commitment and self-fulfillment to become mothers of joy, confidence, and influence.
I’d like to close with one of my favorite stories.
One day a naturalist asked a farmer why an eagle, the king of all birds, was confined in the barnyard with his chickens.
The farmer replied, “I nursed the injured little bird back to health and have raised it in the barnyard with the chickens. It has never learned to fly,” replied the owner. “The fine bird eats chicken food and behaves as chickens behave. I don’t think it will ever fly.”
“I disagree!” argued the naturalist, “It has the heart of an eagle and can surely be taught to fly!”
After talking it over, the two men agreed to find out whether this was possible. Gently the naturalist took the eagle in his arms and said, “You belong to the sky and not to the earth. Stretch forth your winds and fly!”
The eagle, however, saw the chickens eating and jumped down to join them.
The following day the naturalist took the eagle up on the roof of the house and urged him again, saying, “You are an eagle! Stretch forth your wings and fly!” But the eagle was afraid and jumped down to the familiar chicken coop.
On the third day the naturalist rose early and took the eagle out of the barnyard to the top of a mountain. There he held the majestic bird high in the air and encouraged him again, declaring, “You are an eagle - king of all birds! Stretch forth your wings now and fly!”
The eagle looked down at the barnyard below and then up to the sky. Still he did not fly. Then the naturalist lifted him straight toward the sun and the eagle began to tremble. Slowly he spread his magnificent wings. And sounding a triumphant cry, the mighty eagle soared toward the heavens.
Just like the eagle, if you have thought of yourself as something you aren’t, make the choice to become who you really are!
You may have made the mistake of accepting false beliefs and living as if they were true. The real truth? You are like the eagle - with the potential to soar, and to be free to experience joyful living.
However, you must believe in the person you want to become.
May we be blessed in our efforts to be joyful, confident, influential mothers, spreading light and love throughout the world.
By Dr. Paula Fellingham
www.theWINonline.com
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